Worksafe Protection

I just witnessed one of the most amazing sights ever.

My neighbour was on his deck, scraping and cleaning his soffits. Actually, I’m not entirely sure what he was doing. Whatever it was, he decided to use some protection. He was wearing a paper bag over his head, with holes cut out for his eyes. I have no idea if the bag was protecting his eyes, his lungs, or possibly his brain from evil soffit rays. No matter what it was that he meant to do, it was goddamn funny. Funny as in, “The Onion couldn’t even make this shit up” funny. My friend Paul tried to take a picture, but I think the guy realized that people were laughing and pointing at him, and he ran inside.

Being a responsible neighbour, I ducked under the bush so he wouldn’t see me laughing.

Three Wolf and Moon T-Shirt

Taken from one of the many reviews on Amazon after three wolf and moon went viral.

“May 22, 2009By Yossarian

I’m just a regular American guy. I’ve got a truck, smoke a little too much, maybe missing a few toes. Nothing too unusual. At my 9-to-5 I’ve gotten by for years on my old Two Wolf Moon T-Shirt. “Bring the loader over to bay 4″ they’d say, and I’d get over there and get it done, my two wolves classy enough for work but also letting the passing ladies know I’m a raging torrent of untamed American spirit yearning to breath free, preferably naked. I’m no Don Juan, but I did ok — mostly with Janice from Accounting, until she got diptheria.

Most of my income went to the good life, brewed high in the Rockies if you know what I mean. But one day I decided to take some hard earned dough and upgrade. Bigtime. When I got my Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, I knew my life had changed, but I didn’t know how much.

When I put it on, the effect was immediate. 33% more wolf was almost too much to handle. It was like wearing 1500 ccs of chaps on a 1800 cc motorcycle. The vibrations alone were almost enough to throw me off my stride. And the fact that the third wolf faces backwards while howling, demonstrating individuality at the same time as unity of purpose and nobility of spirit, was a metaphor so powerful Roy, the guy who steals my mail, practically took his own foot off with his weed whacker the moment he saw me.

Jesus.

After suturing him up with some spare baling twine, I trotted down to the hardware store to stock up. Bad idea. The rippling of my well endowed man curves apparently set the wolves to almost a hypnotic shimmering, trapped and yet freed under the opalescent moon they eternally worship and yet deny. Some guy took one look at me and backed right into a concrete planter. I almost stopped to see if he was ok, but then I remembered that wolves don’t stop for anybody, particularly when howling.

These days, I’m making $1.15 more an hour, and I keep getting free cable. With the savings, I’m thinking …maybe…just maybe, it’ll be Four Wolf Time soon. But for those of you who have put in your time and training on the One and Two wolf shirts, I highly recommend investing in an upgrade. You’ll never truly soar free without one.”

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Stuff For Sale

A couple of weeks ago I put one of my bikes up for sale on craigslist. One of the replies was sort of spam-like, and I took appropriate actions as seen below…
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: cgault*******@yahoo.ca

hey how bout a trade for your bike id give you a few different items

jackets to choose from that i sell on ebay and id be willing to give you a few for your bike i have jackets like north face, nike, adidas, buffalo, columbia, viking if your interested in taking a look plus i have a nice 14k rope chain and a womens saphire gold 10k ring with diamonds in it, or i could give you one or two large beautiful violet parkhurst wood cherry and black colored framed paintings valued @ $1500 each, matt sundin autographed 8×10 picture with canucks, womens coach purse brand over 400 american paid, portable dvd player, like new crib, hoover carpet cleaner, about 60 assorted comics from the late 70- 80s in mint shape with plastic covers on them, i got nike roller blades and another good pair size 11 i believe, electric paint sprayer, makita drill and makita flash light with one battery,charger and case and another electric drill and i probably got some more stuff but let me know if you wanna see pics of anything let me know thnx
__________________________________________________________________________

From: Dan Beatle
Subject: Re: RMB Rocky Mountain ETSX 30 – $1100 (east van)
To: cgault******@yahoo.ca
Date: Saturday, May 29, 2010, 7:34 PM

Hi Courtenay,
Thanks for the email about the rmb etsx-30. As luck would have it, I am interested in some of the goods you mentioned. In particular I would like to know more about the crib. I’ve been thinking a lot about having a child and maybe this is what I need to push me over the edge. I guess I’m still a bit worried about being a father though. Are you a mom Courtenay? I guess so, otherwise why would you have a brand new crib he he. Silly me! See, that’s why I think I would be such a good dad, I’m always fooling around and making little jokes and games. Last weekend I played a game with some neighbourhood kids. I saw them playing in the park, so I dressed up like Superman and chased them around. I think it was a lot of fun and the kids were running and screaming all over the place. My costume was a bit strange I must admit, because I didn’t really have a superman outfit. Instead, I put on some blue tights and a red traffic cone, and just to make it a bit more realistic I painted my face green like I had been attacked with kryptonite. It was a blast and I hope to do it again sometime. I just moved into the neighbourhood and this is the first time I had seen any kids. I guess some of them must have been pretty tired because they were crying a lot by the time I was finished with the game.

I know that we’ve only known each other for a very short time, but do you think I’d be a good father? Oops, I just realized that I assumed that you are a mom. Maybe you’re actually a dad! I remember that I used to play hockey with a guy named Courtenay. He played center and had a pretty wicked shot. I can’t remember if he was a dad though… What position do you play? Anyways, I think the biggest hurdle to me being a dad is that I don’t have a crib. Once I get one, that will make me really ready. Then all I’ll have to do is go out and find a girlfriend. I’m hoping that she’ll be nice and also enjoy playing Superman games with kids, because what’s the point in life if you can’t play games?

Darn, I just realized that I made another assumption. Maybe your name is Courtenay but you’re not a dad because you’re gay. I just want you to know that I fully support gay couples adopting kids. I also support gay couples and artificial insemination (maybe you’re gay but a female, in which case I was closer the first time).

In any event, I’d like to see a picture of the crib. Perhaps we can meet and talk about kids, cycling and good kids games? I’m free usually on Tuesdays, but not always. If I’m not free on Tuesday, then the following Friday will probably work and that’s better in case we want to meet for drinks instead of coffee. Sometimes I get soooo sick of coffee, you know?

thanks
Dan

__________________________________________________________________________

Date: Sat, 29 May 2010 20:14:10 -0700
From: cgault******@yahoo.ca
Subject: Re: RMB Rocky Mountain ETSX 30 – $1100 (east van)
To: dogo****@hotmail.com

im a guy and that is sure the weirdest replies i have ever had but anyways here is a pic of the crib and for jackets what do you like to see?

Greatest Caddyshack Quotes

Big Rock Beer

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Pierre Poilievre, What A Guy

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